The Velocirapture?

Yes. Saturday is the human rapture, apparently. The dinosaurs know this drill. They’re slinging t-shirts to raise money for their resurrection. So. Are you getting raptured?

image by CSuitDESIGN

Or are you getting left behind?

image via CSuitDESIGN

The Story of Zombie Jesus

I say brains; you say jelly beans- what's the difference?

After God was finished playing Dinosaurs, He created people. People were way more fun, twice as barbaric and filled with a wide range of emotions to tinker with.

They were also half evil.

The only way God could think of to redeem His favorite toys was to have an illegitimate son and then allow humans to murder him so that He could forgive them for their sins. So He had a son and the people killed him, just like planned.

Three days later, His son rose from the dead… craving brains. The people gorged themselves on sugar to maintain the energy to wildly run away. Instead, they ended up vomiting and sleeping which just made them easier targets. They tried to satiate him with eggs, the closest (and most humane) thing they could find to brains. When the eggs didn’t stop the casualties, people started dying them Brain Pink, known today as “Pastel.”

Therefore, to celebrate Zombie Jesus, we all stuff ourselves with chocolate and sugar for a day and then spend the next week eating pastel colored egg salad.

Instant Message with God

I asked God what he looks like,
“Like Jesus, but older.”
He tells me about his beard,
“Doesn’t everyone have a beard?” He asks.
“I can’t grow one. I wish I had a curly
moustache to twist between my fingertips
while thinking.”
And then, remembering who I’m talking to,
“I don’t mean that literally.”

Email from God

God Thinks I'm Sexy

God would know! He made me, after all! No one else’s opinion will ever matter again.

Holy Joke

God doesn’t answer
prayers; He delivers
punch lines
and that ringing
in your ears, punctuating
the pain- that’s the angels
laughing.

And Sometimes in the Dark

the voices of leaves 
in the wind can get
to you. They whisper
the secrets of the schizophrenic
trees in a language lost on modern
ears. And you hear
your name in the wind and think God
is calling you but you can only understand
the chimes of technology.

Where Zombies Really Come From

Every so often, God abandons a life.

He leaves it lost, defunct in some small ruin of a town somewhere it could never be important. It won’t be missed.

Its heart never races again at a kiss and none of the laughs are real. The life rots from the inside out. Weeds slowly twist through the ribcage, choking the organs while the life is forced to survive.

Fleas

God watches us like a flea circus- convincing himself that we’re there, but He’s not really sure. We’re just too small.