The Story of Zombie Jesus
April 24, 2011 § 2 Comments
After God was finished playing Dinosaurs, He created people. People were way more fun, twice as barbaric and filled with a wide range of emotions to tinker with.
They were also half evil.
The only way God could think of to redeem His favorite toys was to have an illegitimate son and then allow humans to murder him so that He could forgive them for their sins. So He had a son and the people killed him, just like planned.
Three days later, His son rose from the dead… craving brains. The people gorged themselves on sugar to maintain the energy to wildly run away. Instead, they ended up vomiting and sleeping which just made them easier targets. They tried to satiate him with eggs, the closest (and most humane) thing they could find to brains. When the eggs didn’t stop the casualties, people started dying them Brain Pink, known today as “Pastel.”
Therefore, to celebrate Zombie Jesus, we all stuff ourselves with chocolate and sugar for a day and then spend the next week eating pastel colored egg salad.