The REAL Future of Communication

August 24, 2011 § Leave a comment

Fuck you, Sprint/Verizon/AT&T

Cell service was boned after The Nothing yesterday. All this technology and we can’t even get through to our families during a minor event? I couldn’t simply call my mom to squee about her first Crazy Susan’s Cookie experience 3 cities away in Ocean City. My phone refused to do anything but make that horrible nuclear emergency sound into my ear. What happens when there’s a major national panic? The technology we’ve come to rely on will fail on its face hardcore.

Invest in homing pigeons. Reliable and completely wireless, they’ll deliver your messages and provide some end-of-the-world companionship. No batteries required. No contracts. No monthly fees, aside from food and water… and they’ll probably find their own nourishment on their journey.

How can you get in on the technology of future? It’s happening RIGHT NOW! Follow these easy steps and stay connected in the worst case scenarios (unless that scenario involves the sky falling. I’m pretty sure homing pigeons need sky.)

Step 1: Get a homing pigeon. (I’m holding out for a white one with the brown wings.)

Step 2: Raise your homing pigeon.

Step 3: Train your homing pigeon.

Step 4: After the apocalypse, strap a note to your homing pigeons leg that reads, “How’s your cell service?” Send your homing pigeon to everyone you know.

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