RIP Ole Reliable

May 5, 2011 § 2 Comments

My longest relationship just ended. I can’t remember exactly when it began, just the dark walls of the old apartment and the rain and Adult Swim on the little TV.

It must have been 2002. I had a long distance boyfriend who sent me a ridiculous package with an embarrassing looking vibrator in it. Ole Reliable was a “free gift” that came with it. Turns out, that free gift kept on giving for almost 10 years… and now, it’s finally dead.

It started with changing the batteries more frequently. Sometimes cursing and running around looking for the TV remotes. Then, the speed sort of faded from AWESOME to USELESS. For a bit, I could bend the wire connecting it to the battery pack a certain way. Now it just won’t turn on at all.

How do you say goodbye to an object that’s been part of your life for almost a decade? Part of your intimate, private life? It taught me so much. It never judged me. It didn’t bother me with stupid talk. It served its purpose and lived quietly in a drawer, never complaining. It moved with me from PA to NJ to NYC and back to NJ. I thought we had so much time left…

I can’t just throw it away. Do I… do I bury it in the yard? Put it in a shoebox with a little sail and send it out to sea? Melt down the plastic and make a heart-shaped pendent?

And just how am I supposed to fight insomnia now?!


§ 2 Responses to RIP Ole Reliable

  • Lauren says:

    Dude…I am having the same problem. My clearish pink friend (which incidentally has a happy face on my favorite part) has officially kicked the bucket. But there it sits, in my nightstand drawer, still taunting me with its uselessness…

  • Kristel says:

    I like the melt it down and turn it in to a heart-shaped pendent….I know someone who can get you a shiny new reliable friend.

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