Charlie Sheen’s Guide to Life
March 2, 2011 § Leave a comment
Don’t sleep. Ever.
“Sometimes sleep is for infants. I don’t sleep. I wait. When I can’t sleep I don’t fight it. I just figure that there’s a higher calling.”
Don’t share yourself with your friends if you want them to stay alive.
“I am on a drug. It’s called ‘Charlie Sheen!’ It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
Chain smoke. It’s good for winning.
If you can’t get a job, make one up. Preferably based on a video game. Get business cards too.
“I’m a high priest vatican assassin warlock.”
Go with the flow. Violently.
“I’ve been the aw-shucks guy with this bitchin’ rockstar life, so now I’m going to completely embrace it. I’m going to wrap both arms around it and love it violently, and defend it violently, through violent hatred.”
Think of your mind as an extraterrestrial being, made exclusively for you, that you have no control over.
“You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm.”
Win. If you’re not winning enough be bi-winning. Win everywhere.
If you’re less than awesome, alter your genetic code to be more awesome.
“I’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”
Do as many porn stars and supermodels as possible at the same time. Because there’s just no time to take it slow!
“I’m gonna stay here with these two smokin’ hotties and fly privately around the world. You know it might be lonely up here but I sure like the view”