February 23, 2011 § Leave a comment

Have you seen Justin?

No, he’s not lost or anything. Well, not yet. His beard is kind of slowly taking over. It’s like a parasite, feeding off its magical host. Maybe that’s why he’s so tired and grumpy all the time?

Anyway. The beard is getting kind of out of hand. Tonight, we were in the shower – shut up, perverts. Our shower has exactly 11.9 minutes of hot water for the entire day so if we don’t cram as many people in as possible, someone’s going to bed dirty. So we’re in the shower and I’m soaping up in the back half while he’s rinsing under the water.

We go to make our switch and he gives me the most horrified and perplexed look.

“There’s either a dog hair, beard hair or very short hair of yours on your nose.”

Actual Photo

Well, the dog wasn’t in the shower, all my hair is long so that left one real conclusion.

Justin’s beard was pollinating. It was confirmed that I wasn’t even anywhere near him. The beard was clearly launching spores in the shower, hoping to land on a new, fertile target in which it could stake its beardy claim. And I looked like a nice clean fresh landscape for the beard hair to attach itself to.

If something didn’t happen soon, the beard hair was going to squirm down to my chin and attach itself like a little red leech. It would feed on my gorgeous skin and, fertilized by smoothness, grow into a massive garden of beard on my own face.

I flung my face into the last of the scalding water and frantically rubbed my face, hoping I would either dislodge or burn this beard seed to death. After a good hard freak out, Justin gave my face a thorough inspection from a safe distance. I was clear. I was saved!

Alison- 1   Parasitic Beard- 0

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