The Velociraptor Philosophy

February 21, 2011 § Leave a comment

Have you looked around lately? Humans need a predator. Clearly! The World is in absolute disarray and virtually every problem would be solved by velociraptors.

1) Obesity. Solved. You’re being hunted. On your way to work. At the Grocery. On your college campus. You’re running for your life on a daily basis. We will all be sexy or dead.

2) Overpopulation. Solved. You can only have as many kids as you can carry at a dead run.

3) Divorce rate. Lowered. You’ll sure as shit appreciate your wife if you don’t know if she’ll survive her trip to the salon or your husband if there’s a good chance he’ll be devoured on his way to his big presentation. There would also be more family time since everyone’s avoiding superfluous errands or other excursions out of the home.

4) Education. You’ll have to learn to read, to communicate properly. You’ll be safer at school. You’ll stay in the educational system longer. You’ll need to be as smart as possible to beat Darwin’s Theory.

5) Human Rights. Raptors don’t discriminate. Everyone is equally delicious. I bet people would forget their differences in a hurry after hearing those six-inch claws clacking on the ground behind them.

6) The Economy. Thousands of jobs would be created. Raptor embryo splicers and raptor survival teachers and raptor rangers and raptor population control specialists. Job opportunities are endless.

7) Welfare Abuse. Solved. See: Overpopulation.

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