10 Valentines I Did Not Get

February 14, 2011 § Leave a comment

Le Chocolat by Simon Jewelers

Lake Forest Confections gourmet chocolates, selected by the confectioners master candy maker, as well as an arrangement of magnificent jewelry from Simon’s personal jewelry and gemstone vault.

Clive Christian's Imperial Majesty Perfume

Imperial Majesty perfume in a handcrafted crystal perfume bottle shows off a five-carat diamond and a collar of 18-carat gold. Inside the bottle, an all-natural women’s perfume composed of bergamot, white peach, sandalwood and Indian jasmine.


Smells rich

A bouquet of origami roses hand crafted with one thousand $100 bills.



Pommery POP Pink French Champagne.


Superhero makeup

The Wonder Woman collection by MAC Cosmetics. How will I defeat my nemesis without the super-sized Mineralize Skinfinish, Eye Shadows, Lipsticks and Powder Blush for my superhero transformation?

Ooh La La!

The SaSi vibrator, the most technologically sophisticated vibrator in the world that has the intelligence to remember what you like and what you don’t. It will learn how to please you, unlike most men.

$1000 of snuggles!

A nearly life sized stuffed elephant to love and snuggle forever and ever.

$600 face cream infused with diamond dust

Carita’s 1.7-ounce antiaging cream is infused with diamond powder, and the energy of the precious gems helps brighten complexion and prevent future sagging and collagen loss. He’ll be sorry when I have jowls like one of those meatball dogs.

$2 million dollar Cinderella Shoes

Stuart Weitzman’s silver leather heels feature over 185 carats of tanzanite and 28 carats of diamonds. The front strap features a slim strap of diamonds but the heavy gemstones are designed to curve around the ankle with a 16 carat pear-shaped tanzanite drop surrounded by diamonds that dangles down over the top of the foot.

I promised not to lose one at midnight. Asshole.

$27,700 Fendi Bag

My standard handbag just broke and no Valentine could be thoughtful enough to replace it with this simple purse? How am I supposed to carry all my shit around now?

I did get some pretty flowers though.


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