An Obnoxious Look at the Entrails of my Purse

January 30, 2011 § 2 Comments

Click for an unnecessarily large & detailed version

So all these magazines are featuring celebrity purses which are mostly filled with product dumps and items from whatever celeb’s latest line of sunglasses, perfume, diet pills, whatever. Here’s a look at what a real girl carries around on an average day. Well, a real strange girl.

1) Madewell scarf. It’s always smart to have an extra scarf lying around. You never know when it might get cold… or you might need an impromptu blindfold.
2) Trusty BlackBerry Tour… which will be upgraded in 2 months to either a Droid or an iPhone. Decisions!
3) Eel-skin wallet. Doubles as a clutch. A gift from my sister during her stint living in Australia.
4) Flip SlideHD video camera. Artwork by Andrew Wilson. Those are Marla Singer & Tyler Durden, Alex from A Clockwork Orange and Mia Wallace & Vincent Vega of Pulp Fiction. I carry this hoping there might be an opportunity to film some pie-on-pot-bellies porn!
5) Gold paperclip.
6) $0.35, which buys absolutely nothing these days.
7) Ikimono 110 mini camera. It has a tadpole on it. It makes me feel like a spy.
8) Moleskine Weekly Planner with pen rubber banded to it and all of my plans and secrets stowed away inside. Also, a menu for Alumni Grill, a referral to an oral surgeon to yank my wisdom teeth out and some quotes ripped out of magazines.
9) Mini bar of soap from the Peabody Hotel, Orlando. Never know when you might need to scrub down some dirty parts!
10) Jones Soda carbonated candies in electric lemonade. They’re kind of gross. Every now and then I like to eat one, just to see if they magically taste better but… yup. Still gross.
11) PNG mini flash drive. 4GB. Adds to my spy complex. Mostly it holds poems I need to work on, lists I made but never look at and blueprints for a secret underground luxury fortress complete with sex dungeons.
12) Aleve. Walk of shame approved!
13) iPod. Because who wants to listen to the ugly sounds the world makes?
14) My father’s Swiss Army Knife. I think he got confused and gave it to me when I got my first period because he didn’t have a son yet and that was closest I could get to earning an Eagle Scout badge.
15) Zombie hand sanitizer. It inexplicably smells like marshmallows. Perhaps the scent will repel the undead during the impending zombie apocalypse.
16) Burn Jel. Once, I burned my calf on the exhaust of my motorcycle so the EMT at work gave me, like, 100 packets of this.
17) Smudge the pigeon. My personal totem for the year.
18) 3D glasses. Probably from such theatrical masterpieces as Clash of the Titans.
19) Moleskine Daily Planner where I’m doing my Tiny Art project.
20) Sharpie pen with which I make tiny art!
21) Purple ear plugs. For sleeping in strange places. Like buses. Or parties that are exceptionally loud, but also boring.
22) Keys on an embarrassingly large diamond ring keychain that my stepmother presented to me as a not-so-subtle hint on my 24th birthday. In front of my boyfriend at the time. It’s too hilarious not to use.
23) Poetry notebook in which I keep all my poetic notes and thoughts ever since grad school.
24) Fresh Sugar Rose lip treatment. Love this stuff. It’s soft, smooth and makes your lips feel like melty butter.
25) Maybelline Shine Sensational lip gloss in Cherry Kiss. Makes lips super shiny. Also makes them a hair trap.
26) Kiehl’s Lip Balm #1. A stocking stuffer from my mom. Muldoon promptly ate the entire tube to smithereens after I shot the photo.
27) Maybelline Shine Sensational lip gloss in Sweet Indulgence. Apparently, I have a huge obsession with my lips.
28) Casino chips scream Class! Adventure! Luck!
29) Crumbled, possibly slightly used tissue. Also doubles as emergency toilet paper in public restrooms where the toilet paper is either missing or inexplicably wet.
30) Paint swatches with dirty sounding names- Brown Cherry, Dark Meadow, Slice, Gourd, Raisin and Picnic Basket. They were originally for some kind of personal art project, but I don’t remember what it was.
31) Dunkin Donuts gift card. Unused.
32) Starbucks gift card. Equally unused.
33) My old MTV ID from my Nickelodeon Magazine internship.
34) Spare money!
35) Tiny contact case with mirror and 3 nights worth of solution. You never know where you might spend the night!


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