How to Tell You’re in a Tampon Commercial

January 9, 2011 § 1 Comment

Bedazzled Tampon Finger Puppet (image via Stacey Gordon)

1) You’re wearing white. This proves that there is NO earthly chance the tampon you’re advertising will leak because, my God! How would you hide it? Never mind the fact that no one really wears white in real life anyway because in a world filled with ice cream and mustard, menstrual blood is the least of your worries.

2) You’re riding a bicycle. And windsurfing. And shaking your ass like you’re trying to buck it off your body. And definitely not curled up in sweatpants crying hysterically over reruns of My Fair Wedding.

3) You’re also jumping. A lot. For no reason. Sometimes in slow motion.

4) You’re not on a cramp-fit misery induced drinking binge that ends with you dancing on the bar in a shortshort mini dress and no underwear, unknowingly (maybe? I hope?) flashing your blood sausage to the horrified regulars (True story. Not a story about me. But I know a guy who has a photo).

5) You’re actually using the word “period” instead of moaning something about hemorrhaging failed babies.

6) There are no men anywhere.

Oh wait. That’s real life too. Poor indicator.

7) Not only do your skinny jeans perfectly fit your bloated abdomen, they slim it while you gracefully indulge Crazy Aunt Flo with a single square of dark chocolate and soundlessly laugh alone for no reason.


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