Open Letter to Tastykake II

December 16, 2010 § Leave a comment

"Butter Flavored Cream Filled Sponge Cake with Maple Syrup Flavored Icing"

Dear Tastykake,
I love you. You know I love you, even if you do put the Eagles logo on some of your packaging. But, dear, we need to talk. What the fuck are these? Pancake is not a flavor. Butter and maple syrup are, but pancake is not. It relies on other flavors to make it delicious. In fact there is no pancake involved in the making of this pastry abomination. Butter and syrup are pancake condiments. The sponge cake is just regular sponge cake.

Gross

Another thing, you got the flavors backwards. Well, technically both butter and syrup reside on top of pancakes, but who would ever think to put the butter flavor inside? If anything, butter should go on top and the filling should be maple flavored and more of a jelly consistency.

Somebody knocked up your krimpet

Also, who wants to eat anything butter flavored? Yes, I would like the illusion of sucking on a stick of butter when I eat my cake. Just melt it down and ejaculate it into the sponge cake. Then cover it with a slab of maple syrup flavored sheet and wait to see the look on everyone’s face when they bite into it and immediately think of the cream puff scene in Van Wilder.

Van Wilder. Cream Puffs. Your life is now ruined.

For the record, I did not eat these. I dismembered them and threw them away. That’s right. I threw cake away, Tastykake. Do you know me at all? Do you know what I do to cake? Well, yours is sitting on top in the trash and the dog didn’t even make a move for it. Neither did the small child who sometimes lives at my house. She looked right over them and pulled out the little cardboard box toothpaste comes in.

Bravo on the spice cake krimpets, however.

Love,

Alison Heller

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