SnapOn Smile

December 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

In all of my half conscious 4am channel surfing I have never seen a product so horrifying and somehow fascinating. SnapOn Smile appears to be dentures for young, otherwise attractive people with rotted snaggleteeth, but it sounds like clip-on earrings for your mouth.

The infomercial says the product is ideal for special occasions and job interviews. Yes, your Playskool chompers will get you a job. What if one rushed morning your bottom set falls down the drain? It’s not like losing a contact lens and wearing your glasses for a day. Your coworkers will be shocked and horrified to discover you are suddenly missing body parts in your face! “Oh my God, Amy!” They will exclaim in a mixture of worry that you were attacked by a schizophrenic dentist and utter terror at the fact that you could laugh any time, exposing them further to your Berlin Wall of a grin.
“What happened to your teeth? Did someone punch you with a set of brass knuckles? You’re not selling them are you? You do know pearls come from oysters, right, dear? ‘Pearly whites’ is just an expression.”

Then you’ll have to expose yourself as dentally enhanced. It’s not like having fake boobs- not detachable- or even a prosthetic limb- functional, but not focused on aesthetics. No, this is snapping accessories into your face like Mr. Potato Head.

And they last for years! Years of snapping teeth into your head every day. It’s a lie in your mouth. Delicious!

What about when your new lover finally spends the night? I always thought I wouldn’t get to that point in a relationship when you take your teeth out for the first time until about 80 years old. Now any sexy thirty-something could be harboring orphan nerve endings under a plastic smile. Our kids would look like Golem when I would be expecting perfect game show host smiles!

What ever happened to good ole wooden teeth?

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