Things That Should Not Exist #1

November 9, 2010 § 1 Comment


Leopard spotted spider cricket hybrids from Hell. (I was going to post a picture, but had a panic attack looking for one that justified these tiny terrors.)

They’re some kind of zombie insect. I had the biggest spricket ever living in my department’s storage space at work. It lived there all summer. It probably lives there still. There was nothing, I repeat, NOTHING the little beast could have possibly been eating down in that cellar, yet it grew bigger and more powerful.

I had the park services guys kill it. 11 times. Eleven. And still, I’d make a trip down there for a case of soda, flip the light on and jump out of my God damned skin because there it was. On the soda. Taunting me.

Now, they’re all over my house. Getting progressively larger in the true spirit of the most horrible creature in the world.

They’re approximately 230% worse than spiders. Spiders just kind of sit on the wall in one place (or are least easily trackable over the course of a day). Or they attack you with a unfortunately placed, but relatively harmless web…

Sprickets fucking ambush you. They come crawling out of crevices horror film style and leap like no creature of seemingly harmless size should be able to leap. If you run, they will chase you. If you’re in the shower, they will wait outside Psycho style, their puny shadows looming ominously.

They don’t chirp like nice, respectable crickets. They sit there, staring, plotting your demise before LEAPING AT YOUR FACE like possessed ballerinas in a music video directed by George A. Romero.


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