10 Truths about Halloween Candy

October 26, 2010 § Leave a comment

KitKat bars are made of orangutan fingers.

Candy corn production ceased years ago and now just gets recycled every year. Also, candy corn is an asshole.

Apples put the razors in themselves because they’re so depressed over not getting covered in caramel or chocolate or that red stuff that’s impossible to bite through. In the apple community, to be left naked during Halloween is kind of like being pantsed in front of the whole lunch room.

Twix bars can always tell when their twin is being eaten.

They’re called Snickers because they laugh all the way to your hips.

Gum does not count as Halloween candy. Stop giving it out!

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups need to get their egos in check. Just because the parents sneak into their kids’ candy stashes just for you, doesn’t make you kings of all that is Halloween.

There are about a billion uses for it (or, you know, ten.)

M&Ms will absolutely melt in your hands. Dump the whole bag out into your fist & snack away while watching the post-Halloween bombardment of mistletoe & menorah’s covered in candy canes in the background of QVC. I promise by the time you get to the bottom of your pile, your hand is red, green & blue.

No one knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop because they were actually designed to be enjoyed anally.

Happy Halloween!

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