10 Truths about Halloween Candy

October 26, 2010 § Leave a comment

KitKat bars are made of orangutan fingers.

Candy corn production ceased years ago and now just gets recycled every year. Also, candy corn is an asshole.

Apples put the razors in themselves because they’re so depressed over not getting covered in caramel or chocolate or that red stuff that’s impossible to bite through. In the apple community, to be left naked during Halloween is kind of like being pantsed in front of the whole lunch room.

Twix bars can always tell when their twin is being eaten.

They’re called Snickers because they laugh all the way to your hips.

Gum does not count as Halloween candy. Stop giving it out!

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups need to get their egos in check. Just because the parents sneak into their kids’ candy stashes just for you, doesn’t make you kings of all that is Halloween.

There are about a billion uses for it (or, you know, ten.)

M&Ms will absolutely melt in your hands. Dump the whole bag out into your fist & snack away while watching the post-Halloween bombardment of mistletoe & menorah’s covered in candy canes in the background of QVC. I promise by the time you get to the bottom of your pile, your hand is red, green & blue.

No one knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop because they were actually designed to be enjoyed anally.

Happy Halloween!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

What’s this?

You are currently reading 10 Truths about Halloween Candy at Alison Heller.


%d bloggers like this: