10 Reasons No One Wants Me

August 22, 2010 § Leave a comment

10) The left side of my jaw clicks when I open it so it sounds like you’re kissing some kind of wooden robot.

9) I say way too much. If there’s a line, I’ve tracked fresh paint footsteps a mile before it’s dry.

8) I dabble in everything, but I’m an expert on nothing.

7) God, I am so awkward in photographs.

6) My idea of a fantastic evening is eating Chinese takeout alone in my panties while watching slasher movies and/or reruns of The Office. This might sound sexy. I assure you it is not.

5) I’m a negative person. If there is an upside to something, I will punch it in the face. If the glass is half empty, I’m convinced we will never drink again.

4) My cupcake addiction had gone from adorable to sort of disturbing.

3) I have zombie hands. My nails look great, but I chew the absolute life out of the surrounding skin.

2) I fall in love with fictional characters. Nathan Explosion and I are Hollywood’s hottest item in my mind.

1) I’m a future mutant hybrid concoction consisting of one part cat lady, 2 parts weird aunt, one part Miss Havisham and a sprinkle of spinster garnished with a big fat scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream (the white kind, not the green).

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