I Was a Teenage…

March 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

I was a teenage juice box drinking champion.

Magazines interviewed me daily asking the same questions like “what’s your strategy for drinking juice boxes?” and “Do you have a favorite flavor?” I never gave away my strategy, but I do appreciate berry flavors because it probably takes a lot more cherries and raspberries to fill a juice box than, say, oranges. Banana is my least favorite because it’s mostly artificial flavoring. Bananas aren’t juicy.

After each competition I’d crush a juice box on my ass and let out a huge, fruit-scented burp. The crowd would go crazy. The fruity breath has never gone away. I’ve had people offer me jobs as an air freshener, but I’m quite expensive. Those Glad plugins are cheaper. Who wants to stand in a bathroom all day anyway?


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