10 Things to Do with Leftover Halloween Candy

November 2, 2009 § 3 Comments

candyart Felix Gonzalez-Torres

"Untitled (Portrait of Ross)" by Felix Gonzalez-Torres

If you’re a weird shut-in or borderline cat lady like me, you probably didn’t get any trick-or-treaters. So now you’re left with a closetful of leftover candy, a front yard filled with toilet paper & a house doused in eggslime & shell fragments. Well, I can help you get rid of the candy problem. Follow these simple suggestions.

1) Save on packaging supplies. Use circus peanuts for your upcoming Holiday or ebay needs. They’re not truly edible anyway. In fact, I don’t think they’re composed of any substance found on Earth.

2) Cram a couple of candy corn onto your top canines. Run around maniacally biting people’s necks and telling them what sweet blood they have.

3) Create candy sculptures of people you haven’t seen since high school. Portray them as you think they’d look today. Get creative! You’ve got a lot of Milk Duds and Twizzlers left over. Track your subjects down and leave the artwork on their lawns.

4) Melt every sweet together in a big pot. Add a little milk and stir together. Pour mixture into tart shells and refrigerate over night. Build a little wooden stand on your lawn and sell your mini pies as the perfect Thanksgiving dessert. Grandma will love it.

5) Gather all your friends and have a competition to see who can eat the most candy without throwing up or going into a diabetic coma. The winner gets the rest of the candy.

6) Tape all the candy to the inside of a trench coat and stand outside dentists’ offices. Whistle nonchalantly to yourself until someone walks out of the office. Whisper to them that you’ve got the “good stuff.” Sell them a sugar high for a killer bargain.

7) Decorate the exterior of your home to look like an elaborate gingerbread house. Post signs in your yard that read, “HANSEL & GRETEL ALL CHILDREN WELCOME!”

8 ) Place individual candies on the sidewalk at equal intervals. See how many miles worth of candy you can go. If people ask what you’re doing, tell them you’re setting a booby trap for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and that there’s a huge wooden box propped up with a stick at the other end of the candy trail.

9) Plant unwrapped candy in your garden (don’t forget to put the wrappers on popsicle sticks in front of your prospective produce!). See if you can grow a chocolate tree. Do not plant gummy worms. They always destroy the whole crop.

10) Stuff it in your closet for next year. Candy is miracle food. It never goes bad.

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