I Have a Crappy Puppy

October 30, 2009 § Leave a comment

My name is Alison and I have a crappy puppy. He doesn’t do much other than bad things and cute things. These things usually take place in that immediate order. If he, say, runs off with my shoe in his mouth, he immediately does something adorable like runs off with my shoe in his mouth. Or he’ll eat a whole roll of toilet paper, but then he’ll go grab a toy 3x bigger than he is, start running off with it (like the shoe- notice a pattern here?) and inevitably trip himself on the thing. And then I laugh while he lies there and makes that extra cute “HUFF!” sound. I’ll keep laughing. He’ll poop on my shoe.

Sometimes he just sits there and stares at me- his little head cocked sideways while he blinks those big sad brown eyes at you. They’re the same eyes your ex-boyfriend would give you that made you want to simultaneously kiss him and punch him in the face.

One thing my crappy puppy is good at is having no fucking clue what’s going on. You can take him outside and he’s happy as a plant in Miracle Gro, but he won’t poop until you take him back inside.

Another thing he’s good at is following me around like I’m the fucking queen of the world. Every time I turn around, he’s standing there like some wrinkly little craptastic gargoyle, staring at me with ex-boyfriend eyes just waiting for me to do something amazing like continue walking down the hall on two legs.

He doesn’t know any tricks except one. That is to immediately remember a trick after doing something really heinous. The second you open your mouth to yell he knows exactly what “sit,” “roll over,” “play dead” and “make cookies” mean. He performs them all so quickly and perfectly that you’re too impressed to yell. When you try the actual commands- cocked head and ex-boyfriend eyes.

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