Alison for President!

October 27, 2009 § Leave a comment

Vote Alison Heller for President. I swear, I’d be good at Presiding. I’m running on the platforms of Common Sense and You Can’t Please Everyone. I believe it’s about time we had a presidential candidate uncorrupted by politics (I, conveniently, know nothing about them!) who will run this country not by the Bible, not by sketchy moral guidelines, but with some God Damn Common Sense.

1) Healthcare: Yes! Of-freaking-Course. I propose we go back to the good old days. What’s the big deal? Here’s a band-aid. Shut up. Seriously, stop crying or I’m going to put some of that awful, smelly, stinging canker sore gel in your eye. That ought to take your mind off it.

2) Abortion: Please! Have you been to Walmart? Have you seen this fucking hipster? Then why the fuck do you have a kid? Humans need a predator. That’s another platform I’m running on.

3) Gay marriage: They let any old shmoe get married…as long at it’s to a she-shmoe. The gays come into town, class it up, open posh restaurants and shops filled with things you’re drooling over (but he-shmoe says no), build gorgeous homes with impeccable interior design…

But let’s not let them get married. I mean, look what they can do! If they got married, they’d be an unstoppable force. They’d have WonderGay powers or something! Oh plus, they’d turn the rest of us gay, don’t forget. It’s contagious.

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