Official Color of 2012

It’s that time again! Pantone has selected Tangerine Tango as the official color of 2012.

Sophisticated but at the same time dramatic and seductive, Tangerine Tango is an orange with a lot of depth to it,” said Leatrice Eiseman, executive director of the Pantone Color Institute®. “Reminiscent of the radiant shadings of a sunset, Tangerine Tango marries the vivaciousness and adrenaline rush of red with the friendliness and warmth of yellow, to form a high-visibility, magnetic hue that emanates heat and energy.

Tangerine Tango conjures images of dancing citrus painting over memories of hookers in Mexico. It’s a rush of  passion and the color of the morning-after headache. It says, “I’m dangerous!” in that desperate way internet girls post Myspace angled photos to accentuate their breasts in an attempt to distract men from the fact that they can’t carry on a remotely intelligent conversation. This color pairs well with Walnut Waltz and Rhubarb Rumba.

Fashion F*cktard of the Week

*Note: This is (probably) not a weekly series.

A beast with a heart- and body- of gold

I spotted the elusive Glitterbeast at the local watering hole, gold sequins sparkling menacingly beneath its dark fur. Crouched safely in my corner booth, I observed it in its natural state as it consumed colorful cocktails and flailed around the habitat. When threatened, the Glitterbeast is known to arch its back and shoot razor-sharp sequins at attackers which embed in the attacker’s skin and spread until their whole body sparkles.

This is where Edward Cullen really came from, ladies.

Lazy Girl’s Recipe Book: Spaghetti Tacos

MexItalian Goodness

If you’re a Lazy Girl like me, you probably have no clean dishes or forks. This can pose a problem when you’re craving pasta. Luckily, I have a solution that doesn’t involve cleaning!

You will need:

Noodles
Sauce
Taco Shells

1) Boil water.

2) Throw in some noodles and let them boil until they look more like noodles than sticks.

3) Heat up the sauce.

4) Mix sauce and noodles together.

5) Put them in taco shells and call it a Mexican Italian fusion.

Inappropriate Halloween Costumes II

I did one of these last year, but the selections of 2011 are just so phenomenally slutty, I had to bring it back.

Caution: Duck Face

New this year, the slutty construction worker throws the caution tape to the wind. It looks like the only thing under construction recently were her breasts.

Seriously?

First of all, this costume lacks the front butt signature of the rodent star in the world’s most annoying marketing campaign of all time. However, at least you’ll know up front that the girl rocking this at a party probably has the intelligence of a rodent, drives a dorm room on wheels and very likely might be a closet furry.

Fruitful costume

I guess when you can’t produce a decent costume idea, raid your local grocery. Unless you have a group of friends dressing up like fruit flies, this “fruit cup” costume is pretty seedless. Also, lemony nipples? Not so appealing.

WTF...

Really? If I ran into this on the street, my head would explode. What ARE you? Some kind of children’s show star grown up and deranged? A slutty muppet? A Japanese game show host? I don’t even know what to do with this.

The Successful Day Checklist

If I get 5 points, it’s a good day. (Doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a tough list!)

There was cake (+ 1 for ice cream too) ___

Someone complimented me (+2 if it was a stranger) ___

I walked Muldoon (+1 if we stayed out for more than 45 mins) ___

I wrote something (+1 for blog stuff; +5 for a poem; +10 for a good poem) ___

Metalocalypse was on (+2 for Dethtroll; +4 for Banana Stickers) ___

There were no bug sightings in the house ___

Someone at work said I did a good job (+5 if it was one of my brilliant ideas) ___

I had time to play video games ___

GodDaddy of Doritos Dies

Yes, the father of flavor-dusted fingers has gone to the big mostly-air-filled bag in the sky.

[Arch]West, the Father of the Dorito, died last Tuesday of natural causes at the age of 97 in Dallas’s Presbyterian Hospital. A graveside service is planned for the morning of Oct. 1 at Restland Memorial Park… where [his family members] plan on tossing a few Doritos in along with the dirt that will cover his urn. [via Gawker]

Boy, that makes this Super Bowl commercial a little awkward.

Of course, this crunchy news begs the question: What do I want to be buried with?

When I die, bury me next to Ole Reliable, my lifelong love. Cover my grave with parmesan Goldfish crackers so birds will visit me and I won’t be lonely.

Bury me with the following:
A spoon (just in case)
A copy of Keeping Things Whole by Mark Strand
A photo of Jake Gyllenhaal with no shirt on circa the filming of Prince of Persia
My sad banana bracelet
A bottle of half decent whiskey
All of my Moleskine Citybooks
A thing of those light green tic tacs

When Cheese Flies…

Aside from being the future of communication, it now appears that pigeons can produce “milk.” I’m a little creeped out that every instance of the word “milk” is cradled in suspicious quotes… nevertheless, it appears that our little winged survival kits have evolved to provide sustenance during the impending apocalypse.

The researchers found that those pigeons which lactate to feed their young tend to have genes which encourage the production of antioxidants and immune proteins.

There you go. Pigeon “milk” will probably make you invincible. Stock up on your flock. Start making pigeon cheese and maybe even create your own avian ice cream (human milk ice cream didn’t make it).

Can We All Stop Pretending We’re Too Intellectual To Watch Jersey Shore?

Seriously? I hear it all the time. Some poor, but socially relevant person starts it with, “did you see Jersey Shore last night?” and everyone scoffs at her or comes back with a retort like, “every time someone watches Jersey Shore, a book commits suicide.”

Is that why it’s one of the top rated shows on cable television? Is that why more people are watching Jersey Shore than the Yankees? You’re watching it. I’m watching it. We’re all watching it whether we’re brain-dead or actually think it’s quality entertainment or we’re just watching to make fun of it. We’re still all watching it.

They’re hailing Jersey Shore as a cultural phenomenon. Apparently, it’s changing the way we look at ethnicity. It’s influencing a generation of fashion mistakes and introducing new jargon into our language..

I don’t like to admit that I watch it. That sentiment I understand. I’m trying to wrap my mind around why we are so drawn to a show about getting drunk and (God, this is the skeeviest expression and it makes me want to tear my tongue out to say it) ”getting it in” when we could all be out DOING THE SAME THING. Really! Why are we watching this instead of living it? It’s not like the Jersey Shore cast has ambitious goals or a five-year plan. They work in five hour intervals, IF they even plan that far ahead. They are making a ton of money doing what I could do any Saturday ever, anywhere in the world.

But no. I have to sit here and catch up on these episodes so I’m not a social outcast. It’s really sad- these shows we need to watch in order to remain part of the cultural conversation and stay current with the evolution of the English language.

Back to the Future of Footwear

Awwwwesome...

[Nike] said it has created a limited-edition shoe based on a glowing pair that appeared in the popular 1989 movie “Back to the Future II.” The 2011 Nike Mag is designed to be an exact replica of the fictional sneaker, including a glowing Nike name on the strap. But unlike the movie version, these shoes won’t lace themselves.

Nike will release 1,500 pairs of the 2011 Nike Mag sneaker for auction on eBay and donate all proceeds to the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s disease research. Fox famously played Marty McFly in the “Back to the Future” time-travel trilogy, where he wore the shoes during a visit to the year 2015.

[via HuffPo]

EuroDustin

For around 4 years, I dated Dustin. We met right after I turned 21 and dated through my last year of college. We broke up and had one of those weird, undefined floating “relationships” for about a year before eventually getting back together for 2 blissful years while I was in Grad School. Then he ripped my heart out, spit on it and we haven’t spoken in over 2 years.

Don’t worry. I’m ok. Sometimes I even have happy little memories pop into my head and it’s actually nice.

The other day, I noticed this guy working one of the games on the Boardwalk. And… well, I don’t have any photos of Ex-Dustin, but trust me when I say he looks almost identical to this guy, who I’ve dubbed EuroDustin:

My Ex-Boyfriend's European Doppelgänger

 
If you knew him, you’ll see it. It’s uncanny.

Similarities:
They both have the same styled-shaggy, messed-up-to-perfection, undefinable hairstyle.
They both rock the slightly douchey 2-day stubble.
Ex-Dustin would probably wear that leather bracelet too, if only once.
They both have funny lip expressions in photos.
they both have nice hands, nice teeth and big noses.

Differences:
Ex-Dustin was WAY too proud to ever work at an amusement park.
EuroDustin is much thinner.
Ex-Dustin would never wear those shades (but they look nice on EuroDustin)
EuroDustin is always laughing and smiling (Ex-Dustin was kind of a hardass)
Ex-Dustin probably has better taste in music.

I have no idea what country this guy is from or what his name is, but every time I see him, I have to laugh. And he laughs right back.